Legislator's proposed Bigfoot season a puzzler

Like many legislative wildlife management ideas, this one is a head-scratcher

Getting into a Bigfoot hunting regulations state of mind with a little moonshine, late night TV and Wikipedia. (KJBOutdoors photo)

When the state legislature gets into the business of setting hunting and fishing rules things can get a little wacky sometimes, and something that crossed my path Wednesday afternoon is more than a little, in fact it’s big.

“Big foot” to be exact, or big feet, I guess, to be grammatically correct.

Yep, Oklahoma State Rep. Justin Humphrey, R-Lane, introduced House Bill 1648 this week, a bill “directing the Oklahoma Wildlife Conservation Commission to establish a big foot hunting season; effective date.”

Unfortunately it was too late in the day Wednesday to contact Rep. Humphrey when I laid eyes on this bill. I had a column to produce for the morning, so this would require some deep concentration and research on my own. My apologies to the representative if I veer off the trail here, but he will have to admit he left a wide-open path with his short directive to create a season that would open Nov. 1, 2021.

Thought of the plight for the Bigfoot species immediately came to my mind, which got me to thinking about the forested hills and mountains of of eastern Oklahoma, which reminded me I still had a Mason jar almost full of good moonshine wasting away in my pantry, which reminded me that Grit TV would have a good western movie programmed for a Wednesday evening.

Moonshine and a couple hours with John Wayne in The Horse Soldiers would guide me into this brand of legislative logic for sure.

Most states have fish and game agencies with associated commissions or boards that work through public processes to create hunting and fishing regulations and/or rules of operation. The agencies also are involved in a delicate dance with legislators, however. Legislative approval is required on top of those commission or board decisions before they are adopted as an enforceable law.

As I’ve followed fish and game regulation issues across the states I’ve found that, most often when things get a little haywire it involves some well-meaning representative or senator who gets an idea from constituents. Someone has griped for years without satisfaction from the wildlife officials. They want seasons changed or feral critters saved (or eliminated) or they think the wildlife folks are gathering up too much public hunting land or, maybe, they think there should be a “big foot season.”

Bless their hearts.

I thought, “something about this whole idea smells funny.”

My initial concern with HB1648 was for Bigfoot, his kin and his fans.

Stilwell, in Adair County, is home to the Mid-America Bigfoot Research Center and holds and annual conference. And Honobia, down in Rep. Humphrey’s neck of the woods, on the line between Pushmataha and LeFlore counties, is home to the Honobia Bigfoot Organization and its annual festival.

Initial Facebook reactions from a few folks on the Research Center’s public Facebook page expressed immediate disbelief that this could be real. One or two stated the idea was simply “sad.” One posted that funny meme with the Oklahoma-shaped sign that notes, “0 days without a national embarrassment.”

Maybe Humphrey was just exercising a P.T. Barnum (no such thing as bad publicity) method for drawing some potential tourist attention to his neck of the woods with this stunt?

Either way it’s a good bet Rep. Humphrey did not consult the experts with Oklahoma’s premier Bigfoot research group prior to proposing a hunting season for a humanoid beast thousands will spend a lifetime trying glimpse, much less shoot—or even think about killing and eating one.

Bigfoot ham for Christmas; feels a little cannibalistic don’t ya think?

Safety concerns also might just be an issue and I started to grow concerned for my own skin. I’ve been known to run around in the woods taking pictures of critters while wearing camouflage or a ghillie suit and, while I’m not the biggest humanoid in the woods, I’m not crazy about the idea of a bunch of good ol’ boys out there taking pot shots at any old two-legged hairy beast running about in the woods.

With no intended insult or slight, I must say I have a lot of friends who run around in the woods that could fit that description. Would they have to start wearing blaze orange every day?

Finally, mid-sip, the answer came to me via magnified vision through my Mason jar.

Indeed, this bill does not call on the Wildlife Department to create a season for Bigfoot. The bill clearly is worded to create a season for “big foot,” two words, lowercase.

As a person who wears a Size 13 boot, I immediately had something different to worry about.

Many questions came to mind. How will the Wildlife Department define what is a “big foot,” and might they offer a bounty? Will they want the foot detached and toe-tagged, or would e-check suffice? Will proof of sex be required and how might that be achieved? And is it actually a season for one big foot, or will they consider the department’s mission to expand public opportunity and amend the bill to make it a general season on big feet?

I thought, “something about this whole idea smells funny.”

Maybe it was the ‘national embarrassment’ clue or maybe I hit that moonshine stage where everything just comes into focus, but at last an answer came to me that makes sense.

More than likely, the good representative simply introduced this bill as a way to kick of the legislative session by illustrating what many have long thought true of legislative efforts that pervert the North American model of wildlife conservation with politics overruling over biology.

That is, more often than not, with legislation of this kind just wind up shooting ourselves in the foot.